Turn Around and Connect Emotionally

It’s no secret that marriage, in reality, is truly nothing like the movies. More than likely, he will not
bring an expensive bouquet of flowers to the fancy restaurant dinner every night. Nor is it likely that the
home you have worked so hard to keep clean will actually stay that way by the time the kids come
home from school. This does not mean that marriage is not worth investing our time and effort into.

In his book, “ The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work,” John Gottman explains the notion
that he called “turning toward” our partners. To “turn toward” our partners, we recognize what our
partners are trying to “bid”. In otherwords, we recognize what our partner is trying to tell us and what
they need, and act upon such in a positive manner. As an example, lets say your partner walks past the
pile of dirty dishes in the sink with a load of laundry and grumbles under their breath, “oh man, I need
to do those, too.” To turn toward your partner, you could seek their bid (not wanting to dishes on top of
their other chores) and act upon it by doing the dishes. This opens up for more peace and appreciation
among each other.

Gottman also encourages couples to recognize that while big and romantic gestures can be nice, they
will not be as satisfying in the long run if couples haven’t enjoyed the little moments with one another.
Let’s picture this seen: a couple goes to a beautiful and expensive restaurant all dressed up and ready
for a romantic evening. They sit down at their table, open their menus, and order their meals. Now
comes the point in time when the conversations begin. The wife then notices stain on her husband’s suit
and reminds him of her constant reminders to not leave his suit lying around or that would happen. The
husband then defends himself, saying that would hang up his suit if only there was room in the closet
for him. This sort of bickering continues and escalates until the whole evening is now negative and not
at all how it was meant to be, resulting in hostility and shame.  If the couple had spent more time
turning towards each other in the smaller moments, such as talking about the closet space and doing
laundry, then that romantic evening would have been more positive. The large moments won’t mask the
importance of the little moments.

As it turns out, happily ever afters truly do exist, but only when we work for them and truly turn
towards our spouses and recognize what they need.

Gottman, John, Silver, Nan. “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work.” Harmony Books.
Chapter 6. 2015.