Hanging Dirty Laundry
Was marriage ever supposed to be easy? Often times, when the topic of marriage comes up
around the coffee table or with the young couple who just got engaged, one can bet that there
will be the comment, “Marriage is hard.” But what makes marriage such a challenge?
If we break the concept down, marriage is bringing together two individuals from various
backgrounds, beliefs, likes, dislikes, ideas, and experiences. These two individuals then live
in the same house, share the same bed and bathroom, pay the same bills, and often eat the
same meals. Different people doing the same things. But it’s not so simple. More than likely, one
person is going to disagree with where the money goes, who is going to wash the dishes because
the other person did them last night, and/or how many kids they are going to have and when (just
to name a few examples). So correct, marriage is hard. But do we, as flawed human beings, make
these matters worse?
In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work”, he explains that
there are “four horsemen” that are lethal to a relationship. These are criticism, contempt,
defensiveness, and stonewalling. In brief explanation, criticism is where partners negatively
criticize and point out the flaws of their partner. An example could be labels like lazy or stupid.
Contempt is often disrespectful and is where one partner assumes superiority over the other,
rather than working as a team. An example is, “well, I go to work all day while you sit at the
house. I shouldn’t have to do the dishes.” This leads us into defensiveness.No one likes their
flaws hung out like dirty laundry for all to see, nor do they like to feel like they have no agency
or rank. Therefore, we start defending ourselves, but we often drag the other person down just
like they did to us. The last horseman is stonewalling. This is where a partner completely gives
up on conversing with the other and ignores them, and it feels like talking to a brick wall.
Communication isn’t the key to marriage; effective communication is key. It is alright to share
your feelings, positive and negative, with your spouse, but it is not effective to drag them down
under. Marriage may not be easy, but we certainly do not need to hold the gate open for the
horsemen to come charging through. We can push them out through noticing the positive
qualities of our spouse, counting our blessings, and strengthening the friendship of the
marriage. Some examples of noticing the positive is thanking our spouse and/or expressing
appreciation for them. We can also take a step back and assess if what we are going to say with
truly benefit the situation.
around the coffee table or with the young couple who just got engaged, one can bet that there
will be the comment, “Marriage is hard.” But what makes marriage such a challenge?
If we break the concept down, marriage is bringing together two individuals from various
backgrounds, beliefs, likes, dislikes, ideas, and experiences. These two individuals then live
in the same house, share the same bed and bathroom, pay the same bills, and often eat the
same meals. Different people doing the same things. But it’s not so simple. More than likely, one
person is going to disagree with where the money goes, who is going to wash the dishes because
the other person did them last night, and/or how many kids they are going to have and when (just
to name a few examples). So correct, marriage is hard. But do we, as flawed human beings, make
these matters worse?
In John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work”, he explains that
there are “four horsemen” that are lethal to a relationship. These are criticism, contempt,
defensiveness, and stonewalling. In brief explanation, criticism is where partners negatively
criticize and point out the flaws of their partner. An example could be labels like lazy or stupid.
Contempt is often disrespectful and is where one partner assumes superiority over the other,
rather than working as a team. An example is, “well, I go to work all day while you sit at the
house. I shouldn’t have to do the dishes.” This leads us into defensiveness.No one likes their
flaws hung out like dirty laundry for all to see, nor do they like to feel like they have no agency
or rank. Therefore, we start defending ourselves, but we often drag the other person down just
like they did to us. The last horseman is stonewalling. This is where a partner completely gives
up on conversing with the other and ignores them, and it feels like talking to a brick wall.
Communication isn’t the key to marriage; effective communication is key. It is alright to share
your feelings, positive and negative, with your spouse, but it is not effective to drag them down
under. Marriage may not be easy, but we certainly do not need to hold the gate open for the
horsemen to come charging through. We can push them out through noticing the positive
qualities of our spouse, counting our blessings, and strengthening the friendship of the
marriage. Some examples of noticing the positive is thanking our spouse and/or expressing
appreciation for them. We can also take a step back and assess if what we are going to say with
truly benefit the situation.
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