Don't Get Lost In Your Relationships

A few months ago, I was having a conversation with a family friend who had expressed some things she and her

husband had experienced, which do not seem all to unique these days. She was explaining that she and her husband had to set

aside technology and spend quality time with one another because between work, kids, and technology, it just felt like

they were roommates rather than spouses and companions. My husband and I vigorously nodded as we have had

similar experiences. We have learned that marriage is more than just living under the same roof, paying the same

bills, and then living our separate lives with jobs or other responsibilities. Marriage is about knowing our spouse

and working together through the thick and thin. John Gottman refers to a “love map” in his book, “The Seven

Principles to Making Marriage Work”. A “love map” is a detailed knowledge of the person in order to effectively

cope and go through stressful situations with them. Gottman explains, “Couples who have detailed maps of each

other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict” (Chapter 4). These details include

everything from feelings about ourselves and our partners, as well as unique facts that make us who we are.

During the dating phase, individuals take the time to get to know each other and assess if they would be

compatible to be together for the rest of their lives, and even beyond. However, the learning does not stop

there. We continue to change and adapt for the rest of our lives, so it is important to learn about our

spouse as they change, too. We can do so by having regular date nights that involve different activities

each time, having surprise lunch phone calls just to see how they are doing, and/or making a habit every

evening at dinner to talk about our day. Just because we change and adapt during our lives and marriages,

does not mean we should forget how we started. It can be incredibly easy to forget why we got married to

our spouse in the first place, especially if we are feeling negative feelings towards them. However, by taking

the time to know them, ourselves, and remember the reasons for marrying them, we can gain a better perspective.